Peace and Hope
It's been a while since I've posted. I've never really been good at keeping a journal... I guess this would be why. Consistency has always been a struggle for me. I'll see if I can improve.
It's been a few weeks since I've posted and a fair bit has happened over the course of that time. The cancer has spread quite a bit. Immediately following my PET scan, I was told I had four additional tumors. I was able to feel one of them in my upper left chest, but that was it. I had some discomfort and pain in my left arm from the tumor in my bone, but that was about it as far as anything noticeable. I mentioned in another post that I'd had a bump pop up on my back that I felt was a lymph node. It's still there...so who knows. It may or may not be. I still think it is. A similar bump popped up on the back of my left leg. It feels similar to the one on my back. Big, round, and movable.
However, there have been several other bumps pop up that I believe are cancerous tumors. I have one on my left shoulder, one on my right upper arm, one on my right shoulder, one on my neck, three on my back, one on my stomach, and one on my left calf. That brings the total to at least 14. I was told I have a tumor in my abdominal cavity. I believe the bump on my stomach is a different bump, which would make the total 15, but since I can't be certain we'll play it safe and go with 14. I am fairly positive two are lymph nodes, which would make the remaining 12/13 cancer tumors. Obviously there are only four that I know are for sure cancer tumors, those being the four discovered in the PET scan. But of the ones I can feel, and based on how they have come about, I think the majority are cancerous. So that could be a little discouraging. We were told the cancer would spread. I am also aware this is an aggressive form of caner. Luckily these are all just on my skin. While it's possible it's spreading inside of me, I can't know until the next PET scan, so I choose to not worry too much about that.
As I have explained on here before, I was doing the ketogenic diet and intermittent fasting for my choice of diet. My belief was that the ketogenic diet would allow me to starve the cancer and keep it under control. As more and more bumps popped up, my wife and I began to question whether or not I was making the right choice. We were reading a book by Chris Wark about his natural battle against cancer. He beat stage 3 colon cancer by changing his diet and exercising. He did a lot of juicing of fruits and vegetables, as well as ate a bunch of veggies. We had, in the beginning, contemplated going to the Gerson Institute in Mexico for treatment, but ultimately settled on the Biomedical Center. However, the Gerson Institute protocol is basically drinking carrot and apple juice all day. I believe patients can have potatoes and soups. So, between Chris and the Gerson Institute, we decided to change my diet.
Thanksgiving day was my first day on the new diet. In the mornings, we juice five lbs of carrots, four green apples, three lemons, a grapefruit, celery, kale, swiss chard, lettuce, and ginger. We also make a fruit smoothie that consists of raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, blueberries, cranberries, a banana, spinach, almonds, pumpkin seeds, turmeric, and amla root powder. The idea behind this diet is basically to flood my system with nutrient rich foods. And not just healthy foods, but foods that have been shown to have anti-cancer and anti-tumor properties. I struggle with the idea of feeding my body full of sugar, but Chris commented on this in his book. He acknowledged that cancer feeds on sugar, but simply said his hope was that the benefits of the nutrition would outweigh the negatives of the sugar. Many people have beaten cancer doing diets like this, so I figured there must be something to it. In the evenings, I'll usually have some hash browns and toast. The toast is homemade bread and this meal just gives me a little bit of sustenance and a mental break. I've found this diet to be rather grueling mentally. It's difficult to get up and spend an hour juicing every morning. Kim can do it in about half an hour, but I'm not as professional as she is...yet. So it's a tedious part of the morning. On top of that, I'm drinking juice every hour. I still drink my tonics, my mushroom tea on the weekends, and essiac tea in the evening. I'm also still taking all of my pills. Needless to say, it's a tedious process.
On Monday, November 26th I officially stepped down as the head soccer coach for the boys program at Gunnison Valley High School. My energy has been lacking, my cancer was spreading, and my diet just got more tedious and cumbersome. I felt that it was in my best interest to step down.
On Wednesday, November 28th, Kim and I had been up north to take care of some business. We stopped at the store on the way home so I could juice more. As we walked into Good Earth, we saw a sign for CBD oil. I'm a member of a few groups on Facebook for alternative cancer treatments. Many individuals have mentioned CBD oil and the positive impact it has had on them. We looked into it a bit while we were there and ultimately decided to get some. The pain in my arm at times can be a bit much. We were hoping it would help suppress the pain. I'd been doing Deep Blue and Lavender essential oils and had some success, but at times it just wasn't enough.
By the time Thursday rolled around, I was struggling a little bit emotionally. My new diet was tedious. It was wearing on me. Stepping down from my head coaching position was a reminder that my life is different now. I can't just do what I want to do. My cancer has had an impact on the choices I make and how I have to live my life. On top of that, about every other day a new bump was being found and the pain in my arm was constant. While I still believe and have the faith that this won't take my life, I had a moment. I had a bit of a breakdown. I was tired and worn out. This is an every day all day type of a deal. If I slack, the cancer wins. There's no rest for the weary as they say...
Well, my sweet wife could see that I was struggling. She felt prompted to seek a priesthood blessing for me. For those of you that don't know what a priesthood blessing is, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints defines it as "A blessing given by a Melchizedek Priesthood holder, by the laying on of hands and by inspiration, to one who is sick or otherwise in need of special counsel, comfort, or healing. If the blessing is for the sick, consecrated oil is used". We believe that someone who holds the priesthood is authorized by God to utilize God's power to give blessings and to provide words of comfort as inspired by the Holy Ghost. In times of struggle, these blessings can be very helpful. Two men from our ward came over and gave me a blessing. It was exactly what I needed. It was that very personal reminder that God loves me and is very aware of me. He has not forsaken me and will not forsake me ever. I gained a lot of strength and peace from that blessing.
I think that we oftentimes believe that a loving God wouldn't allow His children to suffer. We feel that if He truly exists, He would rescue us from any situation or circumstance that might be difficult. But is that really how a parent works? I would certainly hope not. I learn more by going through difficult times than I do when I go through easy times. I was reading in the Ensign this morning and a scripture popped up that I've seen a few times over the last week or so. It reads "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27). Boy this scripture sure speaks to me. To the world, peace means that everything is calm and serene and there isn't tribulation, conflict, or difficulty. However, in this scripture, Christ reminds us that He doesn't provide peace in the same manner that the world does. He allows the storm to rage on and He allows us to struggle. However, He provides us inner peace. He provides us with the knowledge that we are not alone, that He is aware of us, and that all will be okay.
I am grateful for the priesthood and for its power. I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and for the peace and hope that it offers me. This life is challenging. It was designed that way. But I know that as we walk through the storms, we can be provided with the peace that we need to endure and to endure the storms well.
"Fear though not, for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness" (Isaiah 41:10)
It's been a few weeks since I've posted and a fair bit has happened over the course of that time. The cancer has spread quite a bit. Immediately following my PET scan, I was told I had four additional tumors. I was able to feel one of them in my upper left chest, but that was it. I had some discomfort and pain in my left arm from the tumor in my bone, but that was about it as far as anything noticeable. I mentioned in another post that I'd had a bump pop up on my back that I felt was a lymph node. It's still there...so who knows. It may or may not be. I still think it is. A similar bump popped up on the back of my left leg. It feels similar to the one on my back. Big, round, and movable.
However, there have been several other bumps pop up that I believe are cancerous tumors. I have one on my left shoulder, one on my right upper arm, one on my right shoulder, one on my neck, three on my back, one on my stomach, and one on my left calf. That brings the total to at least 14. I was told I have a tumor in my abdominal cavity. I believe the bump on my stomach is a different bump, which would make the total 15, but since I can't be certain we'll play it safe and go with 14. I am fairly positive two are lymph nodes, which would make the remaining 12/13 cancer tumors. Obviously there are only four that I know are for sure cancer tumors, those being the four discovered in the PET scan. But of the ones I can feel, and based on how they have come about, I think the majority are cancerous. So that could be a little discouraging. We were told the cancer would spread. I am also aware this is an aggressive form of caner. Luckily these are all just on my skin. While it's possible it's spreading inside of me, I can't know until the next PET scan, so I choose to not worry too much about that.
As I have explained on here before, I was doing the ketogenic diet and intermittent fasting for my choice of diet. My belief was that the ketogenic diet would allow me to starve the cancer and keep it under control. As more and more bumps popped up, my wife and I began to question whether or not I was making the right choice. We were reading a book by Chris Wark about his natural battle against cancer. He beat stage 3 colon cancer by changing his diet and exercising. He did a lot of juicing of fruits and vegetables, as well as ate a bunch of veggies. We had, in the beginning, contemplated going to the Gerson Institute in Mexico for treatment, but ultimately settled on the Biomedical Center. However, the Gerson Institute protocol is basically drinking carrot and apple juice all day. I believe patients can have potatoes and soups. So, between Chris and the Gerson Institute, we decided to change my diet.
Thanksgiving day was my first day on the new diet. In the mornings, we juice five lbs of carrots, four green apples, three lemons, a grapefruit, celery, kale, swiss chard, lettuce, and ginger. We also make a fruit smoothie that consists of raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, blueberries, cranberries, a banana, spinach, almonds, pumpkin seeds, turmeric, and amla root powder. The idea behind this diet is basically to flood my system with nutrient rich foods. And not just healthy foods, but foods that have been shown to have anti-cancer and anti-tumor properties. I struggle with the idea of feeding my body full of sugar, but Chris commented on this in his book. He acknowledged that cancer feeds on sugar, but simply said his hope was that the benefits of the nutrition would outweigh the negatives of the sugar. Many people have beaten cancer doing diets like this, so I figured there must be something to it. In the evenings, I'll usually have some hash browns and toast. The toast is homemade bread and this meal just gives me a little bit of sustenance and a mental break. I've found this diet to be rather grueling mentally. It's difficult to get up and spend an hour juicing every morning. Kim can do it in about half an hour, but I'm not as professional as she is...yet. So it's a tedious part of the morning. On top of that, I'm drinking juice every hour. I still drink my tonics, my mushroom tea on the weekends, and essiac tea in the evening. I'm also still taking all of my pills. Needless to say, it's a tedious process.
On Monday, November 26th I officially stepped down as the head soccer coach for the boys program at Gunnison Valley High School. My energy has been lacking, my cancer was spreading, and my diet just got more tedious and cumbersome. I felt that it was in my best interest to step down.
On Wednesday, November 28th, Kim and I had been up north to take care of some business. We stopped at the store on the way home so I could juice more. As we walked into Good Earth, we saw a sign for CBD oil. I'm a member of a few groups on Facebook for alternative cancer treatments. Many individuals have mentioned CBD oil and the positive impact it has had on them. We looked into it a bit while we were there and ultimately decided to get some. The pain in my arm at times can be a bit much. We were hoping it would help suppress the pain. I'd been doing Deep Blue and Lavender essential oils and had some success, but at times it just wasn't enough.
By the time Thursday rolled around, I was struggling a little bit emotionally. My new diet was tedious. It was wearing on me. Stepping down from my head coaching position was a reminder that my life is different now. I can't just do what I want to do. My cancer has had an impact on the choices I make and how I have to live my life. On top of that, about every other day a new bump was being found and the pain in my arm was constant. While I still believe and have the faith that this won't take my life, I had a moment. I had a bit of a breakdown. I was tired and worn out. This is an every day all day type of a deal. If I slack, the cancer wins. There's no rest for the weary as they say...
Well, my sweet wife could see that I was struggling. She felt prompted to seek a priesthood blessing for me. For those of you that don't know what a priesthood blessing is, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints defines it as "A blessing given by a Melchizedek Priesthood holder, by the laying on of hands and by inspiration, to one who is sick or otherwise in need of special counsel, comfort, or healing. If the blessing is for the sick, consecrated oil is used". We believe that someone who holds the priesthood is authorized by God to utilize God's power to give blessings and to provide words of comfort as inspired by the Holy Ghost. In times of struggle, these blessings can be very helpful. Two men from our ward came over and gave me a blessing. It was exactly what I needed. It was that very personal reminder that God loves me and is very aware of me. He has not forsaken me and will not forsake me ever. I gained a lot of strength and peace from that blessing.
I think that we oftentimes believe that a loving God wouldn't allow His children to suffer. We feel that if He truly exists, He would rescue us from any situation or circumstance that might be difficult. But is that really how a parent works? I would certainly hope not. I learn more by going through difficult times than I do when I go through easy times. I was reading in the Ensign this morning and a scripture popped up that I've seen a few times over the last week or so. It reads "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27). Boy this scripture sure speaks to me. To the world, peace means that everything is calm and serene and there isn't tribulation, conflict, or difficulty. However, in this scripture, Christ reminds us that He doesn't provide peace in the same manner that the world does. He allows the storm to rage on and He allows us to struggle. However, He provides us inner peace. He provides us with the knowledge that we are not alone, that He is aware of us, and that all will be okay.
I am grateful for the priesthood and for its power. I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and for the peace and hope that it offers me. This life is challenging. It was designed that way. But I know that as we walk through the storms, we can be provided with the peace that we need to endure and to endure the storms well.
"Fear though not, for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness" (Isaiah 41:10)
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